Dealing With Grief...

Hello! This post is about how I dealt with grief after someone close to me passed away, but it’s also about how grief affected those closest to me. It’s important to remember that grief is obviously a very personal thing so there is no right way to grieve.

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My nana and papa (my grandad) were the best people, they did everything when I was younger, whilst my mum was at work. They were honestly amazing, and they were a huge part of my childhood.

About 5 years ago, my papa was diagnosed with multiple myeloma cancer which wasn’t terminal but wasn’t curable either. It meant he was extremely susceptible to catching illnesses which he would not be able to fight off. These 5 years have gone by in a blur to be honest. There were times where my papa was completely bedridden. He lost so much weight, but then he got better after a lot of treatment. Those 5 years really showed how strong my nana was because she dedicated all her time to being positive and caring for him.

After this, years went by ‘without incident’ as they say. Papa’s cancer was kept well and truly at bay and he went back to his old self. However, during my first term at uni, they visited me and broke the news that papa had been having chemotherapy for the past year and they hadn’t told me because they didn’t want to disrupt my studies. Even through this hard time they were still thinking of me… My nana went on to say that there was a new kind of treatment available to only a small proportion of multiple myeloma patients and my papa was one of them. However, it meant that he would be in hospital for the whole of December including Christmas. I could see that my nana was trying to keep it upbeat and positive, but I knew papa was worried.

They left uni that day and I promised to visit him on the 23rd, I gave him the biggest hug and told him I loved him. As I watched them walk away, I felt no sense of dread, I felt fine, good even. This was good news. I look back now and realise that, that was the last time I got to hug him.

December came, and I was still at uni, but I spoke to nana regularly who said papa was doing great. I even facetimed him in hospital and he seemed in very high spirits, joking with all the nurses, no doubt probably annoying them in some way. He was a classic wind up merchant, but he was loved by everyone who met him.

Fast forward to the 23rd. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting when I got to the hospital, but I felt fine about it. Until, my nana got the phone call (as we were literally walking to the ward), that he was about to be rushed to intensive care. Obviously, this was a huge shock and my nana went into panic mode. What I did not expect to see was my papa being wheeled out, struggling to talk, struggling to breathe. What I think about almost every day is his reaction when he saw me, I feel emotional even writing this because when he saw me he started crying and saying my name. He was so pleased that I was there and even as he was being rushed to intensive care, he was making jokes and just being the classic papa I loved.

Hours ticked by and finally we were allowed to see him in intensive care. At this point it was understood that he had caught a chest infection and was unable to fight it off. If I was shocked by what he was like before, I was in no way prepared for what faced me in ICU. My papa was barely conscious, shaking all over and gasping for breath. He looked so defeated and couldn’t talk. The same man who was cracking jokes, was completely unable to talk and unable to breath on his own. This broke my heart and what broke my heart even more was seeing my nana trying to be strong for him.

It seems like everything went from 0-100 because next thing I knew, we were being taken into a private room where the doctor was telling us that his kidneys and liver were failing, and his lungs couldn’t breathe on their own. ‘Gather the family’. The day before, papa had been doing great and now we were told he was going to die. We went back before we left, and I hoped that he hadn’t seen me crying because I didn’t want to scare him. As we left I squeezed his hand and said, ‘I love you’ and he smiled back and said, ‘I love you too’.

Things went from bad to worse. On Christmas day he got put on life support after having 2 major strokes. The whole family drove down and I even though he was on life support we were told he may be able to hear us, so I unwrapped his Christmas presents for him and told them what they were. I had got him a snow globe with a photo of us in from when I was young, and I still have this today as a cherished keepsake. I was in a way glad that he couldn’t see me because I knew it would have made him feel awful to see me upset.

A few days after, my papa passed away. Ill be honest with you, my first feeling was relief. I was relived he was no longer suffering, no longer in pain. It didn’t set in for ages. Even though he wasn’t my mum’s dad, she was inconsolable for the first few days. She couldn’t stop crying, but I couldn’t start. I started to worry that something was wrong with me, why wasn’t I upset? This man was one of the closest people in my entire life so why wasn’t I crying?

Nana was so busy organising everything, she didn’t have time to grieve. I on the other hand had to go back to uni literally 4 days after he passed away. By now it was starting to set in that he wasn’t coming back. Luckily, I had my boyfriend at uni who supported me so much. I threw myself into my work which was quite easy as law is a very demanding subject, but it was always in the back of my mind. For weeks afterwards, I dreamt about papa every night and most of the time I woke up forgetting and then it hit me that he wasn’t here anymore, and it was just a dream. But sometimes I knew it was a dream and subsequently it meant that I cherished every moment with him in the dream, told him I loved him and hugged him until I woke up.

What hurts me now is that I’m starting to forget his face. I have to remember a specific memory to picture his face in detail, yet in my dreams he’s so real. Nana believes in afterlife and thinks that it is him, and he was coming to me for a reason. I don’t know, I’m not fully sold. I’ve seen what damage it can do to hold onto something that isn’t there, it only makes it harder when you finally have to let go. However, it was nice to escape to a world where I knew my papa was waiting for me, the man he was before he got his illness.

Before I left for uni nana had asked me to see a counsellor and I happily obliged, I find it helpful to tell people about my worries and I didn’t want my studies to suffer. I’d never had counselling before, so I didn’t know what to expect, but the university wellbeing centre did an amazing job of pairing me with a grief specialist called Brent. He was strangely calming, and I enjoyed talking to him about papa. I explained how I was content with the fact that I had no regrets, he knew I loved him and that was enough of a goodbye for me.

I understand that counselling isn’t for everyone, but I would recommend giving it a go if you’re struggling with something. They aren’t just there to listen, but to advise and if you go and feel its not for you, then that’s ok, at least you tried.

Since I finished uni, nana now has endless time to sit and dwell on her husband’s death which is obviously hard for her. She now lives on her own and I know she struggles daily with the smallest tasks like eating breakfast on her own and sleeping in a bed on her own. She went through all the classic stages of grief. Anger was the hardest as I spent a lot of time with her at this point and it felt as though she hated everyone. People started to lose their patience with her including my mum and that created an unneeded tension between everyone. I knew that my nana would get better over time, but it was difficult for me to spend time with her when she was so angry. You’ve also got to understand I often I wanted to do things with my friends to take my mind off everything and nana wanted me to spend my time with her.

I mentioned before that my nana believes in the afterlife and I know this comforts her, but I’m unsure how I feel about being in the house with her when she is talking to him as if he’s still there. It’s her coping mechanism though. It’s hard, and even though, now, my nana is much more accepting and more like the woman she used to be, she still isn’t quite the same and she hasn’t quite lost all the anger she gained in the first few months. It’s a long journey, but she’ll get there.

That is the thing about grief. Its not just about getting over it yourself, it’s about how it affects others close to you and in turn, how their behaviours affect you. When I was in the midst of everything, I didn’t see how I could ever forget about papa dying but my boyfriend said something that really rung true – the pain of losing someone is always there. It will get better, but it’s always there, and it’s never about getting over that person, it’s just about accepting that this is the way things are now. Some people may never feel ‘over’ the death of a loved one, but as long as you accept it and move on with your life, eventually, it will be okay.

For someone who has watched the film titanic in excess of 15 times and cried every single time, when it comes to real pain I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I lost one of the closest people in my life, watched my nana and mum fall apart with the loss, but I was strong. I still got a 2:1 and I didn’t let my studies suffer. I dealt with grief in a way that was right for me and without my boyfriend I don’t think I would have been able to cope nearly as well as I have done, but I’m here and I’m slowly coming to terms with it.

If you are suffering with grief at the moment and are unsure what to do, talk about it. It really helps trust me. It will get better! - I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this, I know it was long, but thank you for reading my story.

A x