Grief is something we all have to deal with, and it can be hard knowing what is right for us. It’s also hard to know how to deal with grief when approaching certain milestones such as birthdays and anniversaries, and that can be difficult.
For me personally, it has been one year since my papa passed away and the anniversary of his death is just 2 weeks before his birthday which makes January a very difficult month for everyone in my family. This was also the first Christmas without him and that was conflicting for me because I wanted to enjoy Christmas, but I felt like I shouldn’t be. At times I really beat myself up for enjoying boxing day with my boyfriend because I felt like I should be more upset about everything.
Of course, on the anniversary of his death I was upset, but I have realised that my personal way of dealing with the loss, is to be on my own. A lot of people would disagree and say that it’s better to be with people, but I feel like when I’m on my own I can truly let my feelings show without having to hide them in front of others. I hate getting upset in front of my nana because it upsets her and I hate getting upset in front of family members even more.
I’ve found that I have been stronger than I thought I would be when it came to these milestones and in fact, I have been surprised at how little they have affected me. My nana is struggling and that is to be expected, especially as she has only recently fully accepted that he’s gone and it is heart-breaking to see her that way, but she’s getting there.
It’s also not just the yearly milestones that can be difficult when dealing with the loss of someone. For example, I found it hard on my own birthday without him and it’s been a hard realisation that he won’t be here to see me graduate from university. It’s things like that, that are also very difficult to process. I’ve never had a good relationship with my dad so I always wanted papa to give me away when I got married and the fact that he wont be able to do that really upsets me more than anything.
I think the key to grief is to obviously not bottle anything and despite what anyone else says, deal with it however you want to. It’s important to be aware of how everyone else is feeling but, grief is one of the only times where its acceptable to be a bit selfish. I like to spend time on my own, but I also care a lot about how my nana’s feeling, so I make sure to spend time with her because I know that helps her. There will be numerous milestones, most within the first year, but some throughout your lifetime and I think the first milestones are always the hardest. Have faith that after the first ones, your ability to live your life will be much easier and although you will never forget your loved one, when facing new personal milestones throughout your life, they will bring a smile to your face rather than feeling upset because they aren't there.
I hope this post has helped anyone worried about upcoming milestones as they can be daunting. It’s important to remember that they don’t just have to be a day of sadness, but a time for remembrance and as time goes on, it does get easier. You may surprise yourself with how accepting you feel after one year without your loved one, but it's okay to not be okay as well.
A x